My mind has been stuck, for a while now, in this window that is six months from here. I keep thinking that I can't really write about this conundrum, as there are just too many different collections of people that read this blog. It's a trap that I fall into more often than not, I try to manage expectation and revelation with the protection that comes from a caring heart behind this keyboard. I want to protect my family, friends and readers from the indecision and lack of direction that sits in the month of September.
In September, my one year in Paris will come to a close, and the burning question in my heart is "what now?" Do I return back to Tulsa and start this process of re-acclimation into the American way, or do I continue my work here in Paris? It's a question that I am certain is thought about in more minds than my own, but the perspective and decision that answers the question can only come from God and from the direction He gives to me. At this point, that answer seems fairly distant, and can only truly come from prayer, still I find myself stepping through logic and series of hypothetical situations that feed into my need for control and resolution.
Honestly, I miss home, and I miss my friends and family a lot. I miss walking into a store and not having to worry about understanding the cashier. I miss living in a world where my primary language is the same as the populous surrounding me. Living in Paris is, and has been an incredible experience, but the cost of being here and being "temporary" seems at times to be overwhelming. I have no ability to work here, no means through which to earn any income... talk about control issues... WOW. I miss the comforts and luxuries of home, and I miss SPACE... the wide open spaces of Oklahoma are really quite incredible. What is the old saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder? Too true, too true.
Ok, so all of those things should be fairly obvious. Of COURSE I miss home... who wouldn't? I don't write those things for sympathy, but moreover for understanding of the situation, because the inverse is that I LOVE being on this mission for Christ. I love seeing first-hand the uprising that is taking root here in Paris. I love sharing my faith, and the Gospel with people whom have never experienced or heard it before. I LOVE planning and executing strategies and concepts in this foreign land for the Kingdom. I love using my training and education to build this church, in this place, with these AMAZING people. I love sowing into their lives, and into the future of this city, this continent, and even this way of life. I love being Me, here.
There are so many pieces of this journey that are just beginning, and as I plan for this window that is six months away, I feel like I am already planning an exit strategy and that feels shallow and lacking in follow-through. Six months is a long time, but as I plan and build this new English bible study that will meet monthly, I realize that we will only meet six times before I am scheduled to return back to the states. I am organizing and HUNGERING to organize connect groups, and meeting locations and build COMMUNITY... but if I leave, who will take over? Granted, I cannot do EVERYTHING; delegation should be a giant tool in any manager or leaders tool belt. Still, I cannot help but realize and identify my place here. I see the role that I was called here to fill and engage in, and that role still speaks to my heart. I feel like my work here is still just getting started, and to abandon it just feels wrong.
The clearly obvious truth here, is that I am not going home today. This is probably a good thing, as I am NOT ready. But the systems and structure I left back in the states were designed to sustain my being away for one year. If I were to stay longer, those things would have to be revisited, perhaps rebuilt... That's a whole different side to this coin. I just don't want to make a step backward, into the easy place, the safe place... I want to step FORWARD, deeper, and INTO something... whether that be here, back in the states, on the moon... the location seems irrelevant, just so long as I am continuing on this journey into the life that God is calling me to live. That is the ultimate truth; I want what HE has for me, and I will do whatever is needed to continue in that direction. Today, I am simply called to be a missionary, in Paris, revealing the heart of God to a nation and a people hungry for the real thing. I dig it.
Well man, I promise you this... I will be interceding on your behalf. The only advice I can give you is to follow peace. Don't be swayed by people. Don't be swayed by feelings. God has you on a mission, and it's not because you carry the "missionary" label. It's because you're a Christ follower. So, keep following Him, keep seeking Him, and it will be clear.
Love you bro!!
Posted by: Tony Chavez | March 13, 2009 at 04:59 PM
I am with you Scott. I am constantly evaluating what my purpose is and whether I am still on track with God and the direction He is taking me. It is so important to stay plugged in to God,the Holy Spirit and the Word during this time in our lives and to also support each other in prayer. I'm praying for you, buddy!
Posted by: Matt Harrison | March 15, 2009 at 10:13 AM
Enjoy the journey... know that you are loved... know that you are safe... know that your church has you on our hearts and in our prayers... and don't eat too much hippopotamus. (from your facebook comment on having eaten hippo)
We love you buddy - We're proud of you!
Pastor Mike and Family
Posted by: Destiny Church | March 15, 2009 at 09:40 PM
I am glad you posted this blog...it is great insight into how you're feeling, but also a confirmation for so many others that sometimes taking things step by step is the only way you can follow God's plan for your life! One thought though...we DO need a photographer for Madelyn's baby pics..... :) I'm glad you're doing well, and doing what you're called to do!! We're praying for you!
Posted by: Jess G | March 17, 2009 at 12:18 PM